Send your questions to Ask the Matchmaker!

*While selected letters to "Ask the Matchmaker!" will be published on UJC.org, all names and identities within the letters will be edited to protect and ensure privacy.

Who are the matchmakers? Lisa Ronis and Marla Schultz

Dear Matchmaker,

My girlfriend is Jewish, 48, and has two children, one of which is still at home. I am non-Jewish, 68, in excellent health and a university professor.

We have been together for almost three years. I want to marry her because I love her. She can't say the words although she sometimes says she thinks she loves me. She is a "commitment-phobe" (I have read Shmuley Boteach's books), very independent, articulate, intelligent and beautiful. We are best friends. She is quite spontaneous and I am not as conservative as I used to be.

A good match?

A.

Marla says: Dear A.,

I'm not getting that your girlfriend is a commitment-phobe.  Have you actually asked her to marry you? If so, what was her response?

You also mention that she still has a child still living at home.  Perhaps she's waiting until the kid flys the coop.

I would be curious to know if you've proposed in the past beacause dating for three years doesn't indicate someone is fearful of commiting. However, if you told me that she has turned down your proposals several times and never told you that she loves you, then I would say it's time to make like a tree and leave!

Lisa says: It sounds like you are a bit frustrated. Together for almost three years and she can't commit, or even say "I love you"?  It dosn't sound like you are getting what you deserve. I would re-think this relationship. There might be a better match out there!

Dear Matchmaker,

I am a divorced, 31-year-old Jewish man with custody of a baby boy. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find Jewish women in the same situation? I was a victim of domestic violence and had a relationship that would be anyone's worst nightmare come true. I just want to meet someone caring, loving and understanding on a friendship level at first. Are there any resources that you may know of?

B.

Marla says: Burt,

I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through a very turbulent domestic situation.  Have you sought professional help or group counseling on victims of domestic violence?  If not, I would attend a few just to see what you could gleen about yourself, perhaps understand how this happened and garner knowledge and tell tale signs so this relationship won't repeat itself.

Secondly, I know of local synagogues that host services for singles, the Internet has many Jewish sites, and communities offer activites for singles to meet.  What about "Parents Without Partners?"  I would try those avenues and let us know how you are doing.

Lisa says: There are many ways you can meet women. You can attend fundraisers. They happen almost every night of the week. They are held to raise money for different diseases as well as cultural and religious beliefs. You can also do Internet dating, where for a small monthly fee you can view hundreds of pictures and contact the appropriate women. You can also contact a matchmaker who will work very closely with you. The purpose here is to find a woman who specifically meets your criteria. The matchmaker will do the screening and cut to the chase. It's like having taylor-made blind dates. Lastly, be your own matchmaker. Spread the word amongst your family and friends that you are looking for a woman with specific attributes and let them keep their eyes open for you.

Dear Matchmaker,

I am seriously dating a wonderful non-Jewish woman. Even though she has some Jewish blood (her father's mother) she was raised Christian and loves her traditions. She was originally very receptive to learning and growing with me and while it was not critical to me that she convert it was vital that we would agree to raise our children Jewish. She was open and agreed as long as we celebrated the secular part of Christian holidays such as Christmas with a tree and lights.

I felt fine with the compromise since I love this woman. Please note that I am an active participant with my Reform synagogue.

On Sept. 11 she lost her closest friend and her religious priorities have begun to shift. We were getting ready to start a class on Judaism and she since backed off. She has become more deeply rooted in her beliefs and I find myself compromising more than I want to from a religious perspective. Her latest desire is to raise our children equally with both faiths. I love this woman and have been strongly considering marriage and I am willing to compromise but I fear living separate religious lives and serious conflicts over our children. I truly feel like I have everything else I want in this woman. I would love your thoughts. 

The Matchmaker says: It's a hard situation because religion is such a personal thing.  I am sure that you love the woman very much, but if you don't resolve these issues before you go into a marriage it can cause many conflicts and resentment. I would consider going to couples counseling where you can talk about your issues with an objective person.

Dear Matchmaker,

I am a mother of a 22-year-old daughter. She is beautiful on the inside and outside. My problem is that Christian men are very much interested in her and Jews just brush her away. I came to this country so that my kids could mix with Jewish kids, and have a free life.

It is frightening to me and her father to think our future son-in-law could be a non-Jew. Please help me where can my daughter go  to meet other Jewish people.

The Matchmaker says: There are so many places where your daughter can meet Jewish men. Many of the Jewish organizations, i.e. UJA, Israeli Bonds, etc., have single charity events, and temples have single events as well. She can go to bible classes, and some temples have a speaker once a week to discuss Jewish life, politics, and Jewish events. She can also do Internet dating on a Jewish site. Lastly, many Jewish organizations have singles weekends. Last year the UJC had a conference in Washington. It was a wonderful three days and there were hundreds of single men there from across the country!

Dear Matchmaker,

I am a former American/Canadian who moved to Israel in the early 80's. Today I am almost 30 years old, I have a successful career, many friends, and a wonderful family but I still haven't met my soul mate. Israeli men are very macho, like only really skinny women and do not believe in courting women and I am some what old-fashioned with good family values. I am currently considering moving to Ottawa (there is a saying in Hebrew, "change your location, change your luck") and I was wondering what I can do to meet nice, down to earth men between there or here? There is nothing I want more then to begin my own family and share my life with a special person. Can you help me?

The Matchmaker says: There are many wonderful single men out there who treat a woman with respect. You just have to do a little work to find them. Go to charity events, do Internet dating, hire a matchmaker, and spread the word amongst your social circle as well as your family that you want to be set up with a great guy and tell them to keep their eyes and ears open.

Dear Matchmaker,

I just recently moved to Sacramento from Oakland. I have a good job, I'm living in the downtown area, but have been unsuccessful in finding an appropriate venue to meet available Jewish single women.  I'm really not so into the singles events so to speak but am starting to wonder if I will ever meet a "nice Jewish girl" in Sacramento or even if there are any. Could you please give me some advice?

M.

The Matchmaker says: Dear M.,

It's over. There are no single Jewish girls in Sacramento. Just kidding!

You have to put the word out there, join a temple, get involved.  When it's your time to meet someone you will!

Dear Matchmaker,

What is your opinion on pursuing a relationship with a colleague at work? In my particular instance, the man I'm thinking of is in a different department than me, and we actually do not cross paths that much on a professional level, though we work for the same company and in the same office. Is it appropriate to date someone with whom you work? How do I let on that I'm interested? Any advice you can offer is much appreciated.

The Matchmaker says:  If you can't control yourself, and find yourself thinking about him, I say, let him make the move. You should also check and see what the company policy is on inter-office dating.

Dear Matchmaker,

I hope you can help me. My mom is thinking about getting married. She is 70 and he is older. Both are great people. I would like to point out to them that there are also disadvantages about getting married and it could get complicated. Do you have any advice or do you know where I could get infromation on this?

Thanks!

B. 

The Matchmaker says: If your Mom seems happy, and he is a decent guy, why try to stop them?  Love and romance can happen at any age!!

Dear Matchmaker,

What would you suggest for a 41-year-old female never married and can't find a mensch?

Debbie 

The Matchmaker says: Finding a mate takes some work.  If you sit at home in your house, he might not find you.  It is important to have a social life, go to charity events, ask friends if they know anyone to introduce you to, do things that you might enjoy doing ie. tennis, cooking class, golf lessons where you can meet men who have similiar interests.  You can place a personal ad, try online dating, or you can hire a matchmaker.  You will feel more relaxed if you are uot there!

Dear Matchmaker,

I've gone out on three dates so far with a woman who I like and am starting to feel a connection with. My question is simply one about dating. After a few dates, what's next? What I mean is, at one point do we cross over from dating -- and the dating etiquette that entails -- into couplehood?

Daniel 

The Matchmaker says: I wouldn't push anything.  Let things happen naturally.  You might eventually spend the weekend together, or go on a vacation.  You will go from dating to being a couple without trying if you two are meant to be together.

Dear Matchmaker,

Of all the events and options available for Jewish singles, how do I go about selecting the ones to find the right person for me?

Lisa says: First of all, any event will provide a chance for you to network, expand your horizons, and meet people. You can do anything from going to a charity event to working out at a gym. Find something you like to do -- you will be meeting new people and be in a comfortable environment at the same time, which should make things easier for you.

Marla says: You throw enough stuff against the wall and something is bound to stick. My advice is be open and present to new experiences and you never know. As my grandmother says, "It only takes one."

Dear Matchmaker,

How do you know when you've met the right person?

Marla says: You just know. Specifically, they don't annoy you!!

Lisa says: You want to see them. You want to be with them. You want to know more about them. You care about them. It's a feeling that you get that simply says, "I want to be with this person."

Dear Matchmaker,

As we get older, everyone has baggage. How do you not let the baggage interfere with the new relationship?

Marla says: Carry-ons are acceptable, steamer trunks are not. Ask youself, what type of behavior is acceptable, and what is not?

Lisa says: Some of the baggage might get in the way, but it's important to communicate, share your feelings, and work things out.

Dear Matchmaker,

What do you do if you meet someone and there is no physical attraction? If everything else is there, can the physical attraction/chemistry grow?

Marla says: Shut up, stop thinking, and kiss -- you never know! You can't predict when sparks may fly.

Lisa says: Give it time. You might start developing feelings for someone, and love may grow. If there's a connection, you owe it to yourself to be patient and see what develops.

Dear Matchmaker,

How long should you date someone before the "marriage talk" comes up?

Lisa says: You can't put a time frame on it.

Marla says: It's important to be on the same page. If you've talked about being exlusive, and communicate and let your partner know what your thinking --"I want marriage and children; is that what you want?" -- then it will work out. Communication and expressing your thoughts are what you have to do.

Dear Matchmaker,

I've got a "When Harry Met Sally" kind of question for you. A (male) friend of mine and I share all of our dating woes with one another, giving each other love advice. We think a lot alike, have wonderful conversations together, and enjoy each other's company. On a platonic level.

Turns out, his friend is pushing us to rendezvous -- to see whether there's chemistry there. "I never understood why you never got together before," he says. I'm intrigued to check it out as well but am very wary of the possibility that if things go amiss, a wonderful friendship is ruined.

Is this worth checking out, or is it possible that two people can think a lot alike, enjoy each other's company, and keep things platonic?  Not sure what's "meant to be" here, particularly if there are other coals in my fire, and this could only complicate things. What do you think?

Dear Harry and Sally,

I say, if you thought about it often, what's in a kiss?  Afterall, isn't that what we've been told -- that the best relationships are built on a foundation of friendship first?

In today's age, everyone seems to work backwards, chemistry first then friendship. Perhaps that's why the divorce rate is so staggeringly high. Don't discuss this to death -- make an agreement that if there isn't any  chemistry, take a blood oath that things will return to normal and one day  you'll have a good giggle over..."Remember that kiss?!!"

Dear Matchmaker,

I was on my way back to New York from my hometown and I was sitting in the station with family waiting for the train. Low and behold my mother runs into the daughter of a long time "family friend." The daughter is my age and very level-headed. She and I enjoyed a pleasant conversation on the train ride back to New York.

At the end of the conversation, I asked if it was alright to call and suggested we "get together" for coffee soon. She agreed. I called a week later and left a message. I never heard back. Then, in a conversation with my mother, I learned that she did return my call and for one reason or another could not get through. Perhaps my roommate was online.

So, I want to call because she seems to be a good person and I enjoyed her company. I would not mind developing a friendship with her. However, it has been a couple of months since this "shared" train ride. What do you suggest? Do I call? If so, what do I say? How do I approach this? After all she is the daughter of a "family friend." I feel like that carries a lot of pressure and a failed "relationship" with her would carry consequences beyond just me and her.

Thanks for your help.

Dear LIRR,

First off, get your own phone line or one with voicemail! This way you never have to miss a call and won't build up resentments towards your roomate for flunking Message Taking 101.

Secondly, if you sensed a connection, I say go for it!  Call her up and see if she is planning on visiting her family for the holidays. If so, tell her you would like to "train it" together since riding with her  was so enjoyable.

Regardless if she's visiting her family or not, invite her out for a dreidel match, coffee, or rugulah...and don't put so much pressure on yourself because she's a "family friend."

Dear Matchmaker,

It seems like this is the most hotly debated question when it comes to dating, but I'd like to hear your opinions. How long do you wait after the first date to make the next contact? I've heard wait a week, I've heard send roses the next day. What gives? Is it overboard to send flowers after the first date, and is it wrong to take my time to think it over for a few days?

Sitting By the Phone

Dear Sitting By The Phone,

If you really liked her and felt a strong connection and chemistry, call her the next day. Being a woman of sound mind and body, when I really like a guy and I can tell we are grooving on each other, a call the next day is the best.

As for the flowers, I would only send them if the connection was palpable. As for waiting to think things over, not a problem. In the end, doing what feels right is the best advice anyone has ever given me!

Dear Matchmaker,

Help!! I've been caught in a disastrous situation. A good friend of mine set me up with one of her male rommates (they are just roommates, nothing more).

We've had three dates, and everything was going great. My friend has a computer with an Internet connection in her room, which she and her roommates (there are three in all) share. Well, my friend accidentally left her e-mail open on her computer one night when her roommate (my date) happened to go into her room to use the machine. I know he read the e-mails I had sent her from work about him, because he said something to her about how she and I should spend less time talking about my dates! I'm so embarrassed!! I had included some intimate details about our last evening together, which I now fear he has read.

We have another date planned for this weekend, and while I'm excited about it, I'm just terrified that this might come up and if so, how to handle it. I know he didn't do anything malicious, and it was just a fluke that he read my notes...but what do I do?

Only Talking About Dates on the Phone From Now On

Dear Only Talking,

Boy, if that situation wasn't an accident waiting to happen, I don't know what is! My advice would be to stop tickling the keyboards when gushing or feel the need to share anything personal or intimate about your dates. Watch out for the triangle scenario which this surely sounds like. For a relationship to work, it takes two to tango, not three.

Dear Matchmaker,

I've gone on a few dates with a woman that so far I really like. Now, I am not one who is afraid of commitment, but my new friend has already made some comments that are making me scratch my head. For example, at dinner on our last date, she said something to the effect that she sees us together, married, in three years. Sometimes my imagination can run away from me, too, but it's pretty odd that she would say this, right?

I really like this woman, and this is the only thing that's making me think twice. Should I just brush these comments off and move on, or take a stronger hint from them?

Let's Date For at Least a Month First

Dear Month,

Keep your eyes open and trust your intuition.  If something comes up that feels "odd" it usually is.  With that said, we gals have a tendency to "future trip" when we think we've meet the right guy. However, we've been advised through the ages not to share that information with the guy!

You sound like a smart guy...see what happens! Good luck!

Dear Matchmaker,

I'm just wondering what you think of my situation. I'm not Jewish--I'm Christian--but I'm going out with a guy that is very into the Jewish religion. I was scared that my parents were going to be upset but they are not. That is all good--but my friends keep saying that it's not right to be with him. I see nothing wrong with it--do you? I really like this guy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Lisa says: Dear Girl Falling for the Jewish Guy,

This relationship is between you and him.  Don't listen to your girlfriends. First of all, you should define what you want.  Are you just having fun, or do you have thoughts of marrying this guy? 

If you adore him, but don't really care about the future now, have a good time.  Also, what is he looking for?  It is important that you are both on the same page.  You might want to ask him general questions about his views on religion and marriage. Maybe he insists on only marrying a Jewish girl, but if a girl converts, he would be fine.  So define your needs first, then talk to him. Good Luck!

Marla says:

First off, stop listening to your friends and family. If he is the best thing that has ever happened to you, treats you with respect and you him...

As this relationship gets more serious, the religion aspect needs to be addressed. You say he's Orthodox.. have you discussed marriage? If so, are you willing to convert or is he willing to marry you without a trip to the mikva? What about children? How will they be raised? If you are heading towards marriage I would contact either a rabbi or therapist who specializes in inter-faith marriages.

Dear Matchmaker,

I've been on a few Internet dating services and I'm kind of freaking out about sending in a current picture of myself. I have a professional shot, however I've put on weight--like 10 pounds--and when I've met the guys they've said things like, "You look different." Is it really a big deal that I'm a tad heavier than my photo?

Lisa says: Dear Internet Dater,

I feel that a picture put up on the Internet for dating should be current and accurate.  Otherwise you are setting yourself up for disappointment. And if a few guys have said that you look different, it's time to get a new picture.

Marla says: Dear Photo,

This is a tough one...and a question that I've been plagued with myself. I'm sporting an extra 10 myself and I'm faced with the same consequences.

As women, we are much harder on ourselves. I can't tell you how many guys have posted their photos sporting a full head of hair and 10 years younger! I say if it's only off by a couple of pounds then submit it. If a guy or girl is that shallow, then I say...NEXT!

Dear Matchmaker,

I have been going out with this girl for six months.  Things went well but then as we started getting more serious she started to have doubts.  I knew that she gets very scared of commitments.  She told me that this happens with every guy, that when she feels too much she gets scared. 

However, we had a much deeper relationship.  I agreed that we should have a week break. After the break things got better.  A month later she went to Europe.  She recently came back from Europe and told me that she loves me but is not in love with me. I don't know what to do now.  I am devastated.  I am trying to let go but there is something inside me that keeps telling me that this shouldn't be happening.  She feels that I am too quiet and that she is too outgoing, I think that is great because our personalities can balance each other out. Please help!

Heartbroken

Lisa says: Dear Heartbroken,

I always say cut your losses.  This girl sounds like trouble to me.  She's confused, and until she gets it together, it won't work.  You should move on, start dating and look for a healthy, available girl.  The warning signs are usually there in the beginning.  It is healthy to move on in the beginning if you think someone will give you heartache.  Remember, it's all in the selection process.

Marla says: Dear Heartbroken,

I'm sorry that you are in pain and your heart needs mending.  After reading your letter a Sting song comes to mind: "If you love someone.. set them free."  You probably hate Sting or never heard of him but the point is, if she can't meet you half way, or if you prefer baseball lingo, "step up to the plate," then it's time to acknowledge that you had serious feelings for this woman but she's not meeting you half way. Look on the bright side: For every "almost", it's bringing you closer to
your true love.  Suit up and start swinging!

Dear Matchmaker,

I'm a 28 year-old successful, professional, tall, attractive, conservative Jewish male living and working in Manhattan looking for the perfect Jewish girl.  The problem is none of my guy friends care about doing anything Jewish-related, or about finding Jewish girls.  I work very hard during the week, and find myself at bars and clubs on the weekend where there's a small chance if any of finding anyone serious, let alone serious, Jewish and right for me.  I am good looking and have no problem picking up girls, they just don't seem to be Jewish that often. 

Although I am very confident, going to Friday night services or other Jewish events by myself is very awkward, and I know that showing up by myself will affect perceptions of me.  You can say that "doing it by yourself shows character, initiative and confidence" all you want, but in reality, the first thing Jewish girls think regardless is "why is this loser here alone, he must have no friends."  I've done the online thing, with some success, but no keepers.  Can you suggest anything I can do in NYC to find my wife?  Thanks.

Great catch waiting to be discovered.

Lisa says: Dear Great Catch Waiting to be Discovered,

First of all, don't ever refer to yourself as a loser, not even in jest.  You sound like a sweet, sincere, guy who wants to be in a healthy relationship. The city needs more guys with your attitude!

I feel that when a single person expands his or her circle of friends, it opens up all kinds of doors and the possibilities are endless.  Your new guy friend might have a cute sister or cousin or friend.  And I think that you have to push yourself to go to some single Jewish functions and go to some of the temples around NYC that have speakers and an hour of socializing afterwards.  That will be a great way to meet Jewish girls and make some new
guy friends.

You might also consider working with a dating service.  There are several of us around the NYC area.  That is more personal than online dating, and my company not only sets you up on dates, we keep you informed of all the parties and charity functions week to week. There are a lot of lovely, single, Jewish girls in New York.  And it takes work, but it is not impossible!

Marla says: Dear Good Looking,

What's your phone number?  I'm available!  All kidding aside, I think it's great that you are willing to "go it alone" when searching for your wife. Heck, you need to start dating older women--women who appreciate your independence.  Have you ever thought of going to an actual matchmaker if all other options lead to a dead end?
I write this column with Lisa Ronis, who is a matchmaker!

Dear Matchmaker,

I have a 27-year old son living in San Diego. He is 27 and a great guy. After graduating college, it seems it is not as easy to meet people his age. Are there any suggestions that you could give me so that I might in turn relay it to him. Thanks.

Lisa says: Dear Mom of the San Diego Son,

There are many ways for your son to meet people his age.  It takes a bit of effort, but once he gets out there, it probably will  be a rewarding experience.  He can join a gym, join a religious group, find out if there art any charity parties being held for single people, he can place a personal ad, try online dating, or join a dating service. Good luck!

Marla says: Dear Mom,

Since he's living in San Diego, I'm sure there are Jewish centers that hold events for young singles there. There is always speed dating and the Internet. Two Jewish sites in particular are Matchmaker.com/yenta and Jdate.com. What are his hobbies? That would be a good place to start.

Dear Matchmaker,

I went on two dates with this girl, but then because I called too often too soon, I believe I scared her off. Then I recently called her and we went out again and had a great time. I apologized for calling too much so early and we agreed to start again. I called her three days later to say hi.

It's now two days after that and I have not heard from her. I know I should not call again, but wait for her to call me. Why is it taking so long for her to call? We had a good time when we last went out.

Lisa says: "Dear Ready, Willing and Able,

The world needs more available men like you. It sounds as though this girl is not ready for a serious relationship, is into games, or feels that you will not be her future husband. It is all in the selection, and my advice is don't waste precious time and energy on a girl who is not as interested and available as you are. The city is filled with young, pretty, eligible girls who would love a guy to shower them with phone calls, attention, and affection. Set your sights on someone else!

However...

Marla says: "Dear Telephone Tag Man,

Now you might not like what I have to say but it's something my mother used to say to me all the time and it drove me nuts!

Patience...patience..patience... If it's meant to be it will be. So many times in life, love and particularly dating we want to control the outcome and assume that the other party is on the same wavelength as us. Not true. You have no idea what is going on in her life at the moment and it's best to just wait and see when she returns the call. If you decide to call again and make a subsequent date be prepared that she might not call back in your time frame. Mama always said.. "Be patient...there's a pot for every cover!"

Dear Matchmaker,

I went on two dates with this girl, but then because I called too often too soon, I believe I scared her off. Then I recently called her and we went out again and had a great time. I apologized for calling too much so early and we agreed to start again. I called her three days later to say hi.

It's now two days after that and I have not heard from her. I know I should not call again, but wait for her to call me. Why is it taking so long forher to call? We had a good time when we last went out.

Lisa says: "Dear Ready, Willing and Able,

The world needs more available men like you. It sounds as though this girl is not ready for a serious relationship, is into games, or feels that you will not be her future husband. It is all in the selection, and my advice is don't waste precious time and energy on a girl who is not as interested and available as you are. The city is filled with young, pretty, eligible girls who would love a guy to shower them with phone calls, attention, and affection. Set your sights on someone else!

However...

Marla says: "Dear Telephone Tag Man,

Now you might not like what I have to say but it's something my mother used to say to me all the time and it drove me nuts!

Patience...patience..patience... If it's meant to be it will be. So many times in life, love and particularly dating we want to control the outcome and assume that the other party is on the same wavelength as us. Not true. You have no idea what is going on in her life at the moment and it's best to just wait and see when she returns the call. If you decide to call again and make a subsequent date be prepared that she might not call back in your time frame. Mama always said.. "Be patient...there's a pot for every cover!"

Dear Matchmaker,

I went out on two dates with a guy I really liked. He seemed to be somewhat interested in me. However, it's been a little over a week since we had the 2nd date and he has not called me. Should I call him?

Sincerely,

Vicki

Dear Vicki,

My feeling is that when you first meet a guy, he should do the asking out. If you are dying to call him and tell him that you'd like to get together, there is a chance that he will see you again. But in my experience, it usually doesn't work out when you pursue the guy. Men know how to go after what they want. Maybe he ran into an old girlfriend, or the timing just isn't right at this time. Try not to take it personally. These situations usually have nothing to do with you!

Dear Matchmaker,

I have gone out on four dates with this guy. We are scheduled to go out to dinner this weekend. On all of our dates he has picked up the check. I am financially stable and able to pay for the dinner. Should I pay for dinner this coming weekend?

Sincerely,

Linda

Dear Linda,

I think that it is great that you are sensitive about the paying issue. However,I don't think that you should whip out your credit card when the check arrives. It would be nicer if you offer to cook dinner for him, buy tickets for a play or concert, or invite him out to dinner. That will show him that you appreciate his generousity, and prevent him from feeling like a meal ticket!

Dear Matchmaker,

How do you let someone know in a kind way that you don't plan on getting too serious with them?

Joshua

Dear Joshua,

First of all, actions speak louder than words. If you feel that there is no future with this girl, don't see her very often. And keep you distance physically. Seeing her too often, or developing a sexual relationship will only lead her on and can be hurtful for both of you.

Dear Matchmaker,

My best friend's ex is kind of cute--and all of a sudden quite available. I'm interested. How do I handle this situation?

Best Friend...For Now

This is a toughie...and you must proceed with caution!

How good of a friend is your friend? If he/she's a really good friend and they say "No way!," it's time to say shalom to Shlomo/Devorah.

If he/she says "No problem...dating the man/woman of my dreams will not jeopardize the friendship," count your blessings and go for it!

Just to reiterate...proceed with caution--especially if the breakup is recent. Losing a friend because you want to date their ex is icky. Remain open and honest and never do anything behind their backs.

Another rule of thumb...Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you!

Dear Matchmaker,

My date keeps kosher but I don't. Where should we go to eat?

Hungry For a Date

At a kosher restaurant, silly! That is if you want to see them again. Heck, boiled chicken isn't so bad!

All kidding aside, there's plenty of kosher restaurants to choose from, and remember, kosher means clean!

Dear Matchmaker,

I have been conversing with a guy online for approximately 10 days. Finally the other day I received "Todd's" phone number to call him. Our conversation on the phone sounded positive, however we did not set up definitive plans to meet.

Online Todd is very open and expressive to a point that I cannot tell if it is too pushy, phony, strange or flattering. He says he misses me, that he has a fantasy that we meet and we both look at each other and say wow!!!

He also mentions how great it would be if we got married and had children. He mentions if I miss him, I can call him at work, but I have not made any effort to call because I feel he should be the aggressor and call me to set up the date.

I feel this online tag can become very dragged out and time consuming.

Please give me advice on what you think.

Melissa

There's a rule that I try to live by... Actions speak louder than words.

Actions speak louder than words: do you know if this guy is married or is just bored at work, flirting online just to pass the time away while he toils away in his cubicle?

You're instincts are right. Stop with the long e-mails, stop with the fantasy talk of marriage! Have you even had coffee with Don Juan-a-witz yet?

Has he said, "Let me call you and set up a date"?

If not, he's a freak--hit another dating site!